Wednesday, September 29, 2010

absent parent

please don't get me i phone 4 if u hardly called me up..i don't need one.what i need is for you to call your daughter when she's sick.find out how she is doing in school,who her friends are and what she likes to do in her free time.that would make me happy.presents don't mean much to mia and i if you were hardly present in our lives.

we know u are a workaholic..we understand.u need to work hard to support our lifestyle but what is the point of having beautiful dining table if we could have dinner together only twice a week.
i pity mia.she keeps track of your travelling schedules religiously every week.but i worry should i die earlier than you.who will take care of mia?who will attend to her needs?who will send her to her classes?i don't think you can.and if i were to die earlier,i suspect you will be even more workaholic than before because that is how you handle grief.i don't want her to be raised by a stranger.

wake up please.mia has been sleeping in her own room for sometime now.she is so big now.soon she is going to start locking her room and we have to ask her for her permission to enter.she has few more years before she turns into a teenager.is this what you want?you used to complain about how your father was never there for you.i think you are merely repeating your father's mistakes.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

death

my biological father died on the 6th day of ramadan..i attended his funeral.since his cause of death was due to liver cancer,his skin was yellow.i didn't cry.i didn't feel anything.he was a stranger in my life but i should be grateful that i came into the world because of him.to me my father is my stepfather.he was there for me since i was 6 yrs old and until now.my eldest sister said the last name he uttered was my name.maybe my mother said he wanted to ask me for forgiveness.

i drove to his house in parit buntar.in fact this house used to be my mom's.she paid for it.but in the aftermath of divorce,my mother chose to have her 6 children rather than fight for property.to her to get the custody rights would be more than enough.she left the marital home with nothing just whatever she was wearing and could carry with her hands.then she came back for us.i salute my mother for this.for me heaven is really at the bottom at her feet.

my biological father's wife looked so awkward.when i salam her,she tried to say something but nothing came out of her mouth.i did what i was expected to do.i kissed the deceased's forehead and looked at him for a long time.i could not cry because i honestly didn't feel anything.

then i sat down at the living room and looked around.the house looked so dirty.like no one had actually swept the house for a long time.my mother would have been horrified.the deceased's wife was not talking to anyone.she looked upset that all of my biological father's relatives and friends congregated around my sister and i and didn't pay attention to her own children.everyone asked me to kirim salam to my mother and how they were fond of my mother and how lovely my mother was to them.my mother used to do a lot of charity work around the kampung.she would pick very poor students and supported their education.some local maids she employed would ultimately become her 'children' and she would give them opportunity to futher their studies.of course the deceased's wife was furious when she heard people talking about my mother.
i was introduced to my half siblings.2 young ladies.the older one seemed upset with my presence but the younger one was very jovial and friendly.she even started to call me 'kak a**e(my pet name at home).who gave u permission to call me that?ha..ha.

a month later i paid for the cost of the tombstone(i also paid for the cost of 3 days of tahlil right after the funeral).my last duty to the deceased.his wife didn't want to pay for anything.really strange to me.i mean she wrecked my family,she didn't take care of the deceased during his illness(she was never home,the deceased had to get his own food and water) and right after the funeral,she left to join her daughter in kl!hello..u are supposed to mourn the death of your husband for 3 months!i said i felt sorry for my biological father.i mean he left my mother to marry this kind of woman!

a year before he died,he actually went to his best friend(my childhood nanny's husband) to cry about it.he claimed he made a mistake when he divorced my mom.he made a mistake of not taking care of us.he sobbed his lungs out,i was told.but hey,u made yr choices in life.

after his death,i was given his IC to keep.it's still in my wallet.why do i keep it?i honestly don't know.what i know for sure,on the day he died,my past caught up with the present.i have laid the ghosts of the past out in the open and now they are buried deep where they belong.

abah,i forgive u.may u rest in peace.

Monday, September 6, 2010

raya 2010

ish ish..orang suruh i pack baju but i'm still in front of computer listening to raya songs and blog hopping.so how?malas betul ni.
mood terganggu.last nite my niece was playing with me and then she jumped off the sofa and hit the coffee table.big gash all the way to her skull.15 stitches.poor little airis.i'm sorry.i didn't know her latest obsession is jumping everywhere.she is only 1 year old.but whatever it is i don't like that private hospital near ampang point.the plastic surgeon looks so unprofessional and sounded so unprofessional too.i asked questions he didn't want to answer.i dah masuk my lawyer mode asking questions.ada ke patut dia nak intubate the little girl for GA and then never asked for any allergy.kalau allergic macam mana?and then nak hospitalise 1 whole nite.i kept asking for options and dia malas nak layan.last sekali dia tak larat nak dengar my questions,he said he could give her GA via ketamine gas and can be released after 2/3 hrs.ada pun non invasive option..i understand they want to make money but have a little compassion for a baby.in the plastic surgeon's clinic he put up advertisements for skin care product.sungguh tak professional.
tak habis lagi geram.