Saturday, December 25, 2010

christmas 2010

merry christmas everyone...we arrived safely in rome on 22nd december.rome is such a beautiful city.full of historical buildings and lovely shops.the row of shops are amazing in via condotti.i wish i had a lot of money to walk in and out of prada,gucci and the whole lot.i'm so happy my mom is here with me..loved watching her enjoying the scenery especially trevi fountain.
now we are in florence.yesterday we visited the leaning tower of was so cold then.i don't like the constant drizzling here.but the kids are praying hard for crazy is that?kept telling them snow is will be hard for me to drive on the road.
today we are heading to siena and tuscany area.i hope it will not be too cold.then we are heading to venice.i just hope venice won't be flooded.
i'm craving for malay food now.i want white rice with ikan kering and budu if possible.i'm tired of pasta and pizza.there is no arab restaurant or even a kebab shop.are there no muslims in italy?
anyway especially for nenek penne if u are reading this..i bought really colourful pasta for me yr address when i get home ok?

Sunday, December 12, 2010


tomorrow is my birthday..but i feel depressed.i feel fat and frumpy.i feel like i'm getting old.i hope i snap out of this mode by tomorrow but i doubt it.

i'm sure tomorrow mia will sing happy birthday song to me at least 10000 times.she's always so excited for nice to be young and so carefree..when approaching birthdays are anticipated with great delight and amazing expectations.

on top of that i have a root canal treatment set for tomorrow afternoon.after that i doubt i can eat a piece of cake,let alone to enjoy birthday dinner i know my family members are arranging for me.

plus yesterday i saw something that broke my heart i've not been the only one imagining things.sigh..i hope i can rustle enough bubby spirit to make mia blissfully unaware of the dark thoughts brewing in my head.sigh..

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

william and kate

no they have not invited me to attend their wedding.far from it.we do not know each other but years ago when i was visiting scotland i made sure st andrews was part of the itinerary.and yes..i found william walking up and down the aisles in tesco.he looked much more good looking then.and no..i pretended i didn't know who he was but he did smile at me.but there is this insane idea of mine brewing in my head to be there in london on 29th april 2011.for the first time i think this will be a fairytale that will actually end with a happy is obvious that william really loves kate.the look on their faces is priceless.

my travelling partner is all up for it.he thinks it will be so cool to actually be there for a royal wedding.this will be our only chance to attend future prince of wales' wedding.the next prince of wales' wedding i think will take place after i'm will be so cool to be there for street parties and to actually watch on the big screen when william and kate say 'i do' and sealing it with a kiss.

my mother thinks i have gone bonkers.she said that she knew i love attending weddings but to go all the way to london just to watch a wedding on a big screen is clearly insane.but i think this is something i will look forward to when i have granchildren since i will be able to tell them about it.

but the problem is mia.she will not have a holiday since the easter holiday will be over by she has her usual ballet exam in april.

today i bought 2 benetton luggages..they are turquoise in colour and look so intention is to bring them to italy.but will they see london in 2011?sigh..i hope they will.

Thursday, November 11, 2010


i'm really craving for..budu!it would be divine to eat a plate of hot rice with will be even more mouth watering if i were to have ikan bakar and fresh ulam.mmm..
my mom likes to put some shredded young mango in a plate of budu together with thinly sliced onions.yummy.i always tell my mom never to put a plate of budu if i'm on diet..somehow i tend to go for 2nd and 3rd helpings of rice with budu in front of me.

my nieces and nephew who live in kota bharu(their mom is one of the eye specialists in husm kubang kerian) think my obsession with budu is their eyes,i'm their hip and happening auntie(if compared to the rest..ha..ha).they call me,"mek salmah" when ever they see me eat budu and up till today i don't know why they crack up in laughter when they call me nieces and nephew speak english with kelantanese accent.they call pringles "kepok".but i love them to bits whenever they are in kl, i force them to speak english properly.don't get me wrong..i think highly of kelantan and kelantanese people.

in 2001,when my doctor sister who was staying in glasgow then (doctors seem to further their studies all the time) asked me to smuggle a bottle of budu for her.she was pregnant and all she craved was i had to fly from kl to heathrow and then fly to glasgow with the budu plus some ulam..crazy i the end,i arrived in glasgow airport(can't remember the name of the airport) but my luggage was nowhere to be seen.the officers later sent the luggage to my sister's house.up till today i think my luggage was opened and inspected by the officers because of the budu and the the time i got my luggage,my sister said that she was craving for cockles!so the next day i had the job of scouring glasgow for cockles.not very pleasant job in january i must confess.while scouring glasgow i found anchovy sauce in boots which is similar to budu i suppose and i felt like smacking my sister then.

i must learn to make budu from grandma makes her own budu up till now and she is 80 plus.i must also get mia to like budu which is a tough job because she is bread and cheese mom claims that budu making process is a very tough process.and she claims that all ingredients and utensils must be clean or else the quality of the budu will be compromised.

my father is not a budu lover.we place budu far away from him if we are eating at the dining table or else the old man would not eat.really strange i told him.when ever i scoop budu with a spoon he will grimace.and when i eat it like it's gravy,he will get upset and say it is not healthy to eat something so it smelly?i don't think budu smells bad.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


i gave up a lot to be a stay at home mom.but i'm not complaining.i'm grateful to be given such an opportunity.i love doing the school run in the morning and fetching mia from school listening to her never ending stories.

but when i quit my job,i discovered that i have a passion for cooking and baking.before i got married,i was not even trusted to cook rice.and now mia's daddy is giving me an opportunity to do a diploma in french patisserie.i'm not sure whether i should take it.all this while i've been studying law (and i still love reading up law books until now..hence subjecting myself to ICSA torture).but can a legally trained mind switch to cooking?

i guess the fear stems from watching gordon ramsay on tv.what if while learning french cooking i get scolded by chefs just like mr ramsay?i don't think i can take the amount of "F" bombs apparently uttered in kitchens.but at the same time i'm so inspired by julia child.she did it when she was already married.

shall i take the plunge?

Thursday, October 14, 2010


last saturday,i went to pasar with my walid.i like to drag my walid along so he can haggle the price for me and he will happily offer to carry my purchase.since i buy lots of seafood,the fish man has given me his business card so that i can call advance for various types of seafood that i want.

as i waited for my fish to be scaled and chopped into pieces or fillet,i stood in front of the fish old man wearing "kopiah"(is this how u spell it?) came closer towards me.out of the corner of my eye i could see that he was looking at me up and down.loudly he said,"oi boleh tepi sikit ka?sibuk asyik berdiri depan ikan sampai tak boleh orang pilih ikan!".i was so annoyed and so i said,"firstly,pak cik,saya orang melayu.secondly pakcik,kalau saya orang cina ke,orang kadazan ke,orang iban ke,pakcik kena cakap baik baik dengan saya".he was so shocked he quickly selected his fish and apologised to me.

i was wearing long leggings and t-shirt.i think i was appropriately dressed for pasar.besides i was standing next to my walid.thank god,he's a bit hard on hearing,if not i'm sure he would be upset with that pakcik.if an old man found it hard to communicate nicely to other  people be it of the same race or not,what kind of message is he sending to the younger generation.and if the younger generation refuse to listen to the elders or speak politely,why do we blame their teachers?education starts at home.

so much for 1 malaysia.sigh..

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


my favourite picture of mia and 2008.celebrating mia's birthday in our favourite restaurant telawi street bistro which has now closed down.

my favourite picture of mia and her cik baby (my little sister)..they really enjoy attending baking classes little sister,rania said she did most of the measuring and baking because mia was just busy eating the cookies.

in gold coast with her only cousin from her daddy's side.

this was taken when she was 2 years old,attending her auntie's wedding in was so easy to dress her up as i please at this point of time.she's very fussy now when it comes to party frocks..not too dressy,not too frilly,not too puffy,must not be itchy and the list goes on.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

italy winter 2010

we are going to italy this winter.initially thought we should book greece since mia is studying greek civilisation in history class for year 4 but decided we shall educate her in roman civilisation instead.we are going to be in italy for 2 weeks starting in rome and then drive to florence,pisa,verona,venice and back to rome again.wish i can squeeze in milan too for shopping but i think we'll be very tired after venice as it is.

but this time around,we are bringing my mom and my little sister so this will be very interesting wants to see gondola but not to ride on one..mmm..very odd.but it looks like we will be eating lots and lots of pasta,seafood and margherita pizza.where can i find halal restaurants in venice?i'm sure in rome there will be plenty.

hope the little kiddies will appreciate what we are doing to educate them.they will see loads of painting and visit lots of ruins.i look forward to see vatican city.but most of all i look forward to pay homage to my best friends mr fendi,ms prada and mr versace!ha..ha..that goes my credit card!

Friday, October 1, 2010


dear rayyan,
i had a dream about you last my dream, we were in the kitchen chopping salad and mixing it with tuna,just the way we both like it.and in my dream,i heard your maids sighing watching us while they were busy preparing our snacks.we were so young and so in love.

sometimes rayyan,i sit down and think of you.imagining that you are somewhere in san francisco,sitting at your desk and thinking of me too right at that moment.someone once told me that if you are thinking of someone,that person is thinking of you too.i don't know whether this is true.

i wonder how your siblings are.whether basim has grown taller than you and whether haifa is as beautiful as ever.i'm sure they are.i think about your mom and your dad too.i hope your mom has found a suitable saudi bride for you.someone better than me.someone who will make you happy and a good enough reason for you to return home.sometimes i imagine what it would be like for you to have your own children.

but most of all,rayyan,i sometimes wish that i am the one standing beside you as the mother of your children and the love of your life.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

absent parent

please don't get me i phone 4 if u hardly called me up..i don't need one.what i need is for you to call your daughter when she's sick.find out how she is doing in school,who her friends are and what she likes to do in her free time.that would make me happy.presents don't mean much to mia and i if you were hardly present in our lives.

we know u are a workaholic..we understand.u need to work hard to support our lifestyle but what is the point of having beautiful dining table if we could have dinner together only twice a week.
i pity mia.she keeps track of your travelling schedules religiously every week.but i worry should i die earlier than you.who will take care of mia?who will attend to her needs?who will send her to her classes?i don't think you can.and if i were to die earlier,i suspect you will be even more workaholic than before because that is how you handle grief.i don't want her to be raised by a stranger.

wake up please.mia has been sleeping in her own room for sometime now.she is so big now.soon she is going to start locking her room and we have to ask her for her permission to enter.she has few more years before she turns into a this what you want?you used to complain about how your father was never there for you.i think you are merely repeating your father's mistakes.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


my biological father died on the 6th day of ramadan..i attended his funeral.since his cause of death was due to liver cancer,his skin was yellow.i didn't cry.i didn't feel anything.he was a stranger in my life but i should be grateful that i came into the world because of me my father is my stepfather.he was there for me since i was 6 yrs old and until eldest sister said the last name he uttered was my name.maybe my mother said he wanted to ask me for forgiveness.

i drove to his house in parit fact this house used to be my mom's.she paid for it.but in the aftermath of divorce,my mother chose to have her 6 children rather than fight for her to get the custody rights would be more than enough.she left the marital home with nothing just whatever she was wearing and could carry with her hands.then she came back for us.i salute my mother for this.for me heaven is really at the bottom at her feet.

my biological father's wife looked so awkward.when i salam her,she tried to say something but nothing came out of her mouth.i did what i was expected to do.i kissed the deceased's forehead and looked at him for a long time.i could not cry because i honestly didn't feel anything.

then i sat down at the living room and looked around.the house looked so no one had actually swept the house for a long mother would have been horrified.the deceased's wife was not talking to anyone.she looked upset that all of my biological father's relatives and friends congregated around my sister and i and didn't pay attention to her own children.everyone asked me to kirim salam to my mother and how they were fond of my mother and how lovely my mother was to mother used to do a lot of charity work around the kampung.she would pick very poor students and supported their education.some local maids she employed would ultimately become her 'children' and she would give them opportunity to futher their studies.of course the deceased's wife was furious when she heard people talking about my mother.
i was introduced to my half siblings.2 young ladies.the older one seemed upset with my presence but the younger one was very jovial and friendly.she even started to call me 'kak a**e(my pet name at home).who gave u permission to call me that?ha..ha.

a month later i paid for the cost of the tombstone(i also paid for the cost of 3 days of tahlil right after the funeral).my last duty to the deceased.his wife didn't want to pay for anything.really strange to me.i mean she wrecked my family,she didn't take care of the deceased during his illness(she was never home,the deceased had to get his own food and water) and right after the funeral,she left to join her daughter in kl!hello..u are supposed to mourn the death of your husband for 3 months!i said i felt sorry for my biological father.i mean he left my mother to marry this kind of woman!

a year before he died,he actually went to his best friend(my childhood nanny's husband) to cry about it.he claimed he made a mistake when he divorced my mom.he made a mistake of not taking care of us.he sobbed his lungs out,i was told.but hey,u made yr choices in life.

after his death,i was given his IC to's still in my wallet.why do i keep it?i honestly don't know.what i know for sure,on the day he died,my past caught up with the present.i have laid the ghosts of the past out in the open and now they are buried deep where they belong.

abah,i forgive u.may u rest in peace.

Monday, September 6, 2010

raya 2010

ish ish..orang suruh i pack baju but i'm still in front of computer listening to raya songs and blog how?malas betul ni.
mood terganggu.last nite my niece was playing with me and then she jumped off the sofa and hit the coffee table.big gash all the way to her skull.15 stitches.poor little airis.i'm sorry.i didn't know her latest obsession is jumping everywhere.she is only 1 year old.but whatever it is i don't like that private hospital near ampang point.the plastic surgeon looks so unprofessional and sounded so unprofessional too.i asked questions he didn't want to answer.i dah masuk my lawyer mode asking questions.ada ke patut dia nak intubate the little girl for GA and then never asked for any allergy.kalau allergic macam mana?and then nak hospitalise 1 whole nite.i kept asking for options and dia malas nak layan.last sekali dia tak larat nak dengar my questions,he said he could give her GA via ketamine gas and can be released after 2/3 hrs.ada pun non invasive option..i understand they want to make money but have a little compassion for a the plastic surgeon's clinic he put up advertisements for skin care product.sungguh tak professional.
tak habis lagi geram.

Monday, August 30, 2010

raya 2010

we will be away during raya this year.going to be in brisbane and gold coast for 8 days.but before that i have a lot of things to wrap up.
the thing i dread most is...mia attending year 4 starting 2nd sept..oh gawd..i have not wrapped her books or even organise her stuff..have to start driving in the morning again and fetching her again in the evening..then after raya all of her extra curricular activities will resume class,piano,ballet,iqra lessons..i get tired just thinking of those classes.
i'm busy making cookies now..ensuring my mom has everything she needs for hari raya.i need to itemise the chores that my maid will have to do in my absence in my mom's house.that reminds me that i have not bought the maid's baju raya yet.i need to sort out the duit raya for nieces and nephews and the little children who visit my mom's house to get the duit has always been my duty to organise raya spread every year..this year i will let my other siblings handle siblings are not too happy about this..ha..ha..too bad.
then the packing up process.i hate this part.ensuring mia has everything she needs.always worried that she doesn't have enough clean clothes although i've been told again and again not too worry so much. more travelling for raya again..too much work and no time to rest.
i will miss my mom's nasi dagang and all the trimmings..i will miss chatting with her all the way to subuh while preparing the spread on the eve of raya.
hope everyone will have a good raya and drive safe.

Saturday, August 21, 2010


my daughter mia age 3.she used to be so chubby.

another one at age 3...

mia after appearing in grease production in klpac in 2010.

more to come if i 'rajin' enough to look for them..

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


just came back from bangkok for a short shopping trip.chose to stay in holiday inn bangkok.mia and i love thailand.
but this time around we were unsure whether it was safe to go to bangkok after the massive red t shirt rallies.they burned down the good portion of central world which is a shame to the country.the thais with their "mai pen rai" attitude are usually very calm and docile in character.

anyway the shopping was was the last weekend of their grand sale.but i always know that thailand is always in sale mode.i always reserve august and december for shopping trips in thailand.the thais celebrate mother's day in august in conjunction with the queen's birthday and father's day in december in conjunction with the king's birthday.

since mia is going back to school in september,the shopping is mainly for her back to school shopping.bought her samsonite school bag.why is it in kuala lumpur i can't find kiddies samsonite bags but in thailand the bags can be found easily?this time around i chose panda shape bag.when she was in year 1,it was the lady bird shape bag,in year 2,she chose penguin shape bag and and in year 3 she chose the bumble bee shape bag.i like samsonite bags because they are sturdy and won't break easily unlike the barbie bag or any other character bags which can be found easily in malaysia.samsonite bags come with worldwide warranty.

another thing why i love to shop in thailand is because i can find lelli kelly shoes for mia.bought the black ones for school and colourful ones for leisure.the other place i can find lelli kelly shoes are in harrods london.mia is very fussy about her shoes.she has problem with her feet and tendons since she was born so we tend to splurge on her shoes.the shoes must be lightweight,padded for minimum impact and have enough room to breathe.every 3 months we will see her podiatrist just to evaluate her shoes and feet.

aside from that,bought her raya clothes as well.this year we will celebrate raya in brisbane.but thank god winter in brisbane is very mild if compared to bonn,germany.mia used to cry a lot in bonn because of the extreme winter.she suffers from asthma from time to time so we always need to ensure she is winter we took her to skiing area border of germany and austria,the snow was so heavy that she could hardly walk.the snow was up to her thighs so till today she hates snow.

as usual a trip to bangkok is not complete without having massages and mani/pedi treatment.we love thong lor for beauty cheap and so good.mia had fish spa as well and chose bright red for nail colour.the thais tend to spoil children.i remember one time in central chaeng wattana mia wanted a soft perm and i sent her to a hair salon there,she was attended to by at least 6 people in the salon.2 girls were doing her nails and 2 girls were doing her hair and the other 2 girls were entertaining her,fetching her juice or feeding her ice cream and even to the point of lifting her up after the perm to put xmas decorations in the xmas tree in the salon!

have to wait till december to go again..but chiangmai is lovely in december.the air is cooler there.and pattaya is lovely too.pattaya has a huge factory outlet for clarks shoes.and of course phuket for the beach.but i prefer hua hin to relax and eat good seafood.

Saturday, July 31, 2010


this is a story about a young girl who fell in love with a young boy in 1994..they were in the same class but they hated each other.unfortunately they sat side by side in the class.
one day they had  the dreaded exam.the girl had terrible bout of flu during the exam she sat there and wrote and wrote the answers furiously.but even the box of tissues couldn't cope with the flu.reaching out for the tissue she realised it was all gone.
she felt apprehensive because she was not the type to go out in the middle of the exam.but the sneezing wouldn't stop.the young boy took pity on her and decided to give his packet of tissue to her.she turned to him,reached out for the tissue and mouthed silently thank you.
from then on,hate turned into love.and their love blossomed.but coming from different countries,their respective parents raised objections.
the young girl was very serious about her studies since she had always wanted to be a lawyer.but the young boy being the typical rich middle eastern person was not overly concerned about his future.he was bumming around and doing whatever he felt like doing.she continued to motivate him to do something and after years of motivation,he finally decided to pursue his tertiary education in america.
but he was torn.he didn't want to leave the love of his life.but the young lady insisted he must go.after months of debating the merits for him to go to san francisco university,he gave exchange she promised she would wait for him to come back to kuala lumpur once he was done with his this time the young lady had completed her degree.
he called her twice from san francisco.he told her he was lonely and he was missing the young lady.he said he was coming back immediately.the young lady didn't want him to make the wrong decision.the young lady wanted him to complete his studies and to become a responsible man.she knew she must do something to ensure he stayed in san francisco.knowing him so well, she knew that she must do something drastic to ensure he didn't come back prematurely.and so she told a lie.she said she was getting married to another man.she asked him to forget her.she asked him to study hard and make sure he would be successful one day.she loved him too much to allow him to waste his life on her..what the young boy was not aware of,the young lady had been warned off by the young boy's parents that they would never allow them to get married.his parents claimed that they would throw out their son if the relationship continued.the young lady would not allow the young boy to lose his parents.
he believed her lie.they never spoke to each other again.
years passed.she married someone else.she had never forgotten him.she kept track of his achievements.he did well in his university.he went on to work in san francisco refusing to go back to the middle eastern country.from mutual friends she found out that he was still a bachelor and was not even seeing anyone else.
she kept that packet of tissues he gave her in 1994.sometimes she would take it out and remembered him.that young sweet boy in 1994.that first love to which nothing is equal.
you see,that young girl was me.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

what kind of man on his death bed,when his children visited him,he was more concerned with saying negative things about his ex wife?the mother of the children!i don't understand the man.
my siblings dutifully visited him and they were asked to call the new wife as "mak" in order to visit him!as if the new wife has ever fed us rice or help to finance our education!he is dying and yet all he cares about is his new wife.
there were things he did to me when i was just 6.i won't go into details but suffice to say i will never expose my 7 year old daughter to him ever.i am ashamed to share his DNA!

Thursday, July 1, 2010


i never meant to start blogging with the title death...but yesterday my mom called to tell me that my biological dad is dying due to news on the specific type of cancer though.
u see my parents divorced when i was 6.i hardly knew him before i moved to kl.back then i was just a little girl growing up in tanjung piandang perak.a small fishing village is how u can describe the biological father was a headmaster for a secondary of the divorce shook the town with 2 different factions rooting for either my biological father or my mom.
then i moved to kl and my mom remarried.i only know my stepfather as my father.
i am numb..i don't know how to react to the news..i don't know him except for 1 letter he wrote to me when i asked him for permission to marry and asked him whether he would like to perform his fatherly duty as the wali.but he declined.
he wasn't there when i entered primary school.he wasn't there when i sat for UPSR.he wasn't there when i entered secondary school.he wasn't there when i sat for O-levels.he wasn't there when i attended my prom.he wasn't there when i sat for A-levels.he wasn't there when i decided to study law.he wasn't there when i graduated.he wasn't there for my wedding.he wasn't there when i gave birth to mia.
despite moving to kl i remained very close to my childhood nanny and her husband who would do the odd jobs when we were living in tanjung piandang.last year her husband died.i attended the funeral.after i parked the car and walked to the deceased's house,my biological father walked past me.he didn't say hello or even recognise me.sometimes i wonder whether he knows my name.
my mother asked me to forgive and forget and visit him if i wanted to.but i shall decline.

Friday, June 25, 2010

testing testing

just to test whether the blog is in order and ready to blog away.