Thursday, September 23, 2010

death

my biological father died on the 6th day of ramadan..i attended his funeral.since his cause of death was due to liver cancer,his skin was yellow.i didn't cry.i didn't feel anything.he was a stranger in my life but i should be grateful that i came into the world because of him.to me my father is my stepfather.he was there for me since i was 6 yrs old and until now.my eldest sister said the last name he uttered was my name.maybe my mother said he wanted to ask me for forgiveness.

i drove to his house in parit buntar.in fact this house used to be my mom's.she paid for it.but in the aftermath of divorce,my mother chose to have her 6 children rather than fight for property.to her to get the custody rights would be more than enough.she left the marital home with nothing just whatever she was wearing and could carry with her hands.then she came back for us.i salute my mother for this.for me heaven is really at the bottom at her feet.

my biological father's wife looked so awkward.when i salam her,she tried to say something but nothing came out of her mouth.i did what i was expected to do.i kissed the deceased's forehead and looked at him for a long time.i could not cry because i honestly didn't feel anything.

then i sat down at the living room and looked around.the house looked so dirty.like no one had actually swept the house for a long time.my mother would have been horrified.the deceased's wife was not talking to anyone.she looked upset that all of my biological father's relatives and friends congregated around my sister and i and didn't pay attention to her own children.everyone asked me to kirim salam to my mother and how they were fond of my mother and how lovely my mother was to them.my mother used to do a lot of charity work around the kampung.she would pick very poor students and supported their education.some local maids she employed would ultimately become her 'children' and she would give them opportunity to futher their studies.of course the deceased's wife was furious when she heard people talking about my mother.
i was introduced to my half siblings.2 young ladies.the older one seemed upset with my presence but the younger one was very jovial and friendly.she even started to call me 'kak a**e(my pet name at home).who gave u permission to call me that?ha..ha.

a month later i paid for the cost of the tombstone(i also paid for the cost of 3 days of tahlil right after the funeral).my last duty to the deceased.his wife didn't want to pay for anything.really strange to me.i mean she wrecked my family,she didn't take care of the deceased during his illness(she was never home,the deceased had to get his own food and water) and right after the funeral,she left to join her daughter in kl!hello..u are supposed to mourn the death of your husband for 3 months!i said i felt sorry for my biological father.i mean he left my mother to marry this kind of woman!

a year before he died,he actually went to his best friend(my childhood nanny's husband) to cry about it.he claimed he made a mistake when he divorced my mom.he made a mistake of not taking care of us.he sobbed his lungs out,i was told.but hey,u made yr choices in life.

after his death,i was given his IC to keep.it's still in my wallet.why do i keep it?i honestly don't know.what i know for sure,on the day he died,my past caught up with the present.i have laid the ghosts of the past out in the open and now they are buried deep where they belong.

abah,i forgive u.may u rest in peace.

7 comments:

  1. salam. Al-Fatihah for your late father. sometimes people make erroneous decisions & live to regret them. from what you've written here, i can see that he didn't have a happy life after he left your mother. i think that he had gone through enough misery with his new wife to make him realize what a gem he had left behind.

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  2. dinas,the knowledge that he had regrets made me feel sorry for him.the least that the new wife could do was to make him comfortable before he died.she was moaning to my eldest sister on the day of the funeral,that 1 ticket to go to brunei would go to waste since my father died!gold digger.she's lucky we are not fighting for inheritance.

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  3. adoi, tak boleh tahan la dengan perempuan macam tu..& to say such a thing to your sister, not even caring what people would think of her. she'll face divine retribution sooner or later, Allah SWT knows better.

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  4. Al-fatihah to your biological father. His wife will get what's coming to her. My late grandfather had two wives, my grandmother being the first. He would spend a few hours after work with my grandmother but would always return to the other in the evening. I remember him taking my cousins and I to her house and she hid up in room but my grandfather insisted she came out to meeet HIS grandchildren. She reluctantly came out and hid right back. I never understood why he would go home to her each night..at hers he had to make his own drinks and food. At my grandmother's, he was lord and master. When he fell ill with Alzheimers she sent him to my grandmother who cared for him until his death. She never came to visit.....never rang to find out how he was. Last I heard she did of some cancer or another....alone. What goes around comes around.

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  5. salam aida! i followed your comment at puteri kama's blog.

    takziah on the passing of your biological dad and al-fatihah to his soul.

    would also like to say that i like the honesty of your writing very much. will definitely visit again.

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  6. melina:thanks melina.your comment shows that my father was not the only man who behaved so strangely.but at least my faith in men was restored thereafter when my mom remarried.my stepfather was with me every step of the way.when i married,i didn't cry when i hugged my mom but i cried buckets when i hugged my stepfather.
    mekyam:thanks for coming to my blog and thanks for yr kind words.i'm a new kid on the block with regards to blogging.

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  7. Aida, men do some strange things. But in all fairness my grandfather was extremely generous and fair. He provided very well for all of us. In fact even though he passed in 1997 he is still providing for us. He hid is second marriage very well and my grandmother only found out after 12 or 13 years. Just didn't get why in later years he would rather spend his nights with her almost all the time.

    Glad your mum found a lovely man who was more a father to you than your biological father ever was.

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